BBC Radio 4 Extra Newsjack

 

PARDEWS HEAD

 

By Richard Woolford

 

 

ROMESH: In Football Newcastle manager Alan Pardew was fined £100,000 for headbutting a player or as he put it nudging a player away with his head. Alan is sadly suffering from a unique condition and Channel 4 are currently making a documentry on this called “The man who always uses his head to do things instead of his hands.” Here at Newsjack we have a sneak preview .

 

INTERVIEWER: So Mrs Pardew has Alan always been like this?

 

ALAN’S WIFE: Alan has always used his head instead of his hands. We can’t hold hands walking down the street. Instead he makes me grip with my thumb and forefinger up his nostrils like a bowling ball. It isn’t very nice in the winter. He’s lovely though and a great cook.                           

(SHOUTING) WHAT'S FOR DINNER ALAN?                                                                                   

ALAN: (SHOUTING) MASH POTATO LOVE. 

        

SFX: LOUD THUDS ON THE KITCHEN WORK SURFACE

 

ALAN’S WIFE: He’s very good around the house and loves watering the plants. I just gaffer tape a watering can to his head and he’s happy as Larry.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

INTERVIEWER: I hear he’s very musical.

 

ALAN’S WIFE: Oh yes                                                    (SHOUTING) ALAN COME IN AND PLAY MY FAVOURITE SONG ON THE PIANO.  

 

SFX: POUNDING ON MULTIPLE PIANO KEYS AT A TIME OUT OF TUNE HIGH THEN LOW NOTES

 

ALAN’S WIFE: It’s so romantic.

 

INTERVIEWER: And whats the sex like?

 

ALAN’S WIFE: Harrowing

 

END